5 Observations About Becoming a Mother
This morning I woke up at 4:30am, fed my 11-week old son, changed his cloth diaper, pumped the extra milk from my breasts and opened my computer to write…
It’s been months since I’ve sat down to write. I had every intention of keeping up my writing practice, and even committing to more writing, in the weeks we label maternity leave. I even wrote in the block for the month of September in my moleskin notebook as “write book”.
But oh how that was ambitious.
There’s very little time to do anything in the early days of motherhood. Between feeding the baby, holding the baby, entertaining the baby, changing the baby, doing wash, making myself food and squeezing in a workout here and there, I don’t want to spend any time on anything that’s not necessary.
Whenever I have a free minute, I try frantically to accomplish some tasks.
And while originally I felt very much content and relaxed about this whole not working thing, I’ve started to feel a slight draw back to getting things done. Whether that’s because I’m an entrepreneur and my businesses “need” me or because my worth has been tied up in productivity for so long (much like the rest of our culture), or simply because as we emerge from the newborn haze, there are some things that do NEED to get done, such as our taxes. 🙄
But I think it’s deeper than that.
I think it’s because I want to create.
I want to contribute.
I like to work. I like the work I do.
and so I find myself typing in the wee hours of the morning, with a cup of tea by my side.
As I emerge from the precious newborn phase and my son is officially an infant, I find that the place to begin is in the transformation I just went through and in exploring the stage I am very much in—matrescence.
5 observations on becoming a mom.
My capacity for love is expanded. A simple one and a truth. There is no limit on the amount of love you can experience. There is no pie, no well, no shares to be distributed. It is limitless. What a blessing.
I find pride and joy in bringing my new baby around. I am proud of this sweet creature that I grew inside of my body. I am proud of myself for growing and birthing this tiny being. I love showing him off and sharing the love and joy that he brings to those around him. Babies bring people joy. Pure and simple. And spreading that joy feels so fulfilling and good.
I am more in the present moment. And as the present moment is all that we have, I find this to be the biggest blessing of them all. Yes, I feel called to DO, but there is so much BEING during this time. Thankful.
I trust myself. Doubts have most certainly arisen and in the first few weeks of raging hormones and breastfeeding struggles, I felt stressed and indecisive. But a new part of me has emerged—a deep intuition and knowing that I can trust myself and my instincts. That I know my body, I know my baby and I can do this dang thing. As the overwhelm has lessened, a profound trust in myself has emerged. Mama really does know best.
I have not lost myself. I have only transformed to become greater. I still prioritize self-care; I’ve been able to get back on the water and I’ve started working out again. These precious moments of solitude fill up my cup and I can come back into caring for the baby more fully and more deeply. I don’t believe that I have been lost. I only believe that I have stepped into a new era.
Here’s to transformations. 🦋